The Elderquest is a new approach to the experience of aging. It’s a rite of passage during which we seek insights into our future. The elderquest is a search for purpose, meaning, wisdom, happiness, engagement, acceptance, and fulfillment as we emerge from adulthood and into elderhood. It’s an attempt to answer the question, “How will I live?” and “What will I do with my life?”.
If you’re between the ages of 45-65, you’re probably starting to think about retiring. Most people start at around 45 years of age. I started when I was 45. I also started thinking about what it would be like to get older. Would I be financially secure? Would I be a burden to my family? Would I miss my work? I had many, many questions.
When I was 67 I undertook what’s called a “Vision Quest,” a 12- day adventure in the woods, thinking that I could gain some insight into what it might be like to become older or to become an “elder.”
It was extremely enlightening for me. So much so that, over the next 5 years, I participated in a series of intense outdoor adventures. I wanted to explore my own personal struggles as I grappled with the issues of elderhood. Based on that, I wrote a book and created a workshop to explore these questions further.
I was faced with the real questions of: am I prepared for that life? If not, how should I prepare? What tools do I need? What skills will I need to develop? And what path must I follow in order to lead a longer, happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life in my later years?
How would you answer those questions?
We are currently living in the age of the “longevity revolution” where we have the possibility of living an additional 20-25 years of mostly healthy, productive life. Imagine a whole new life stage where we remain vital, curious, and active. Where we continue to grow emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. AND where we develop a deeper and broader perspective on the meaning and value of life and move from simply being older to becoming an elder.
The “age wave” brought about by the emergence of the “baby boom” generation and the “genX” generation has created what has come to be called “The Longevity Revolution.”
These two generations have brought about revolutionary changes in everything from social society to space travel to information technology to life expectancy. The “baby boomers” are living longer than any generation in the history of mankind – up to 25-30 years longer than their ancestors. But this brings its own problems, too!
If our usual retirement age is 65 (and the average retirement age today is 63), and our life expectancy is 84, what do we do with this “longevity bonus,” those extra years?
Given these extra years, the ElderQuest asks questions such as “How will I live?” and “What will I do with my life?” These are important questions. Many people facing retirement fear that without a job to go to, they fear a loss of structure, a loss of attachment, a loss of social engagement. They often ask, “Will I even matter?” For many people it’s a very difficult transition. I describe it as crossing a chasm. In the last several years we’ve seen huge increases in social problems among people age 50+, including increases in divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicides.
So, the question of “How will I live, given these extra years?” is no trivial matter.
In his book, The Mature Mind, Gene D. Cohen writes: “Over the hill…out to pasture…twilight years…retired! These words reflect a stubborn myth – that aging is a negative experience and that ‘successful aging’ amounts to nothing more than slowing the inevitable decline of body and mind. Rubbish! Some of life’s most precious gifts can only be acquired with age: wisdom, for example, and mastery in hundreds of different spheres of human experience that requires decades of learning. Growing old can be filled with positive experiences, and ‘successful’ aging means harnessing and manifesting the enormous positive potential each one of us has for growth, love, and happiness.”
Barry Barkin, a futurist and gerontologist, says: “An elder is a person who is still growing, still learning, still with the potential and whose life continues to have within it promise for, and connection to, the future. An elder is still in pursuit of happiness, joy and pleasure, and her or his birthright to these remains intact. Moreover, an elder is a person who deserves respect and honor and whose work it is to synthesize wisdom from long life experience and formulate this into a legacy for future generations.”
It’s easy to grow old. Aging is simply the passing of time – the chronological change from day to day, year to year. For many people, just doing nothing is the easiest way to grow old. There is a law – what I call the “Law of 1 Day.” This law says that “each and every day, in each and every way, we are growing older.” After enough 1-days, we look in the mirror and ask: “Where did the time go?” We’ve grown old.
In our society, there are no rituals or rites-of-passage for growing older – and none for becoming an elder. Elderhood is really not valued in our society. There’s no training, no education. There are many very good role models…. but only if we look hard enough.
Elderhood has taken on a completely different mantle in contemporary society. It’s not the same as it is in many other societies, or as it was in times past. We know this by the shallow definition it has today. Elderhood, as defined in the dictionary, is “The state, quality, or condition of being an elder.” Somehow, that really doesn’t tell me anything about what elderhood is.
I prefer the description of elderhood as described in the Mankind Project: “Elderhood is about the gifts that age bestows; gifts unique to those who have lived long enough to have learned much of what life is all about and remain curious about what’s yet to come. Elders have seen the cycles of life, have witnessed the ebb and flow, and have gathered insight and learning from their experience as to what works and what doesn’t.”
Elderhood is not about retirement. It’s more about what the Japanese call “Ikigai.” In Okinawa, Japan, many, many people live to be well into their 90s and 100s. They have no word for retirement. The closest they come is the word “ikigai.” Roughly translated, “ikigai” means “A reason for being; the thing that gets you up in the morning.” What a wonderful a way to think about that.”
What’s your reason for getting up in the morning?
When asked ”What gives you a sense of purpose in your life?” the most universal response by those who are approaching or are in retirement tend to respond with “giving back, helping others or making a contribution.”
Most of us want to contribute to the greater good or feel that we’re giving back to something greater than ourselves. Our perspectives shift as our sense of mortality or our values change as a result of our facing the challenges of life. I believe it’s an application of the “law of reciprocity” which basically says that we seek to give back in kind what has been given to us.
Richard Leakey, the noted paleoanthropologist says that it is the essence of what makes us human: “We are human because our ancestors learned to share their food and their skills in an honored network of obligation.”
Marcel Mauss, in his short book, The Gift, laid the foundation for social theories about reciprocity and gift exchange. He shows that early exchange systems center around the obligations to give, to receive, and most importantly, to reciprocate.
Each of us is endowed with a certain ability, faculty, aptitude or “knack” from birth. I don’t mean a fully developed talent. I call these “gifts.” It could be an athletic ability, a gift for caring, for listening, for wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, organizing, helping, giving, leadership, craftsmanship, service, teaching, and so on.
I believe that, as elders, one of the things we enjoy most, and that we also have an obligation to, is recognizing and acknowledging the gifts of younger ones. As mentors and wisdom keepers, we have a responsibility to recognize the gift that another owns and then to acknowledge them. To validate the possession of their gift. In that way, we help draw out their gifts so that they can acknowledge and own them and, thus, develop them into talents.
As elders, I think it’s important to hold up a mirror to ourselves; to understand that elderhood is much about mirroring back the gifts that our life has bestowed on us. What I learned from my own elderquest is to understand and answer the questions of “what are my gifts” and “who are my people?”
“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” So says Sydney J. Harris. Psychologists call this “existential anxiety.” It’s the notion that we look back on our life and realize that we never did the things that we dreamed of doing. I think we all dream of leaving some kind of legacy behind after we’re gone. As the noted Psychologist, Erik Erikson once said, “I am what survives me.”
Personally, although solving world hunger or bringing about world peace are noble efforts, I just want to leave a legacy for my family. I want to spend time with them, be there when they need me, share my experiences and any wisdom I might have accumulated. I wrote the book because of a Christmas present my grandson gave me. A binder with empty pages and a very personal note asking me to record my life experiences so that he could one day read it and know me better. What greater legacy could someone ask for in life.
Is there more you want to do? And are you willing to do what’s necessary to live a long and healthy life? To take advantage of your longevity bonus?
- Do you want to make the best of the rest of your life?
- Do you want to live with purpose?
- Do you want to live with intention?
- Do you want to be happy?